Serena Williams has defeated her sister, Venus, to win the 2017 Australian Open Women's Singles title and her 23rd Grand Slam title overall. Serena won in straight sets, 6-4 6-4, in 1 hour 21 minutes, regaining the number one world ranking in the process.
Here are the main talking points from a family final...
The Williams Campervan: Much of the pre-game talk was speculation over which Williams sister would get the top bunk bed in the family's campervan the night before the big match. Reporters swarmed the vehicle as it pulled up to Rod Laver Arena to try to get the inside scoop but they weren't prepared for the answer! Serena slept in a sleeping bag under their recently purchased Vango Air Beam Airaway Kela Awning which affixed to the side of the van, providing shelter and comfort on a cosy Melbourne summer night!
Breaking Point: The first four games of the match saw neither sister holding serve, with the score equal at 2-2. Serena smashed her racquet in frustration during the third game which many thought might hinder her chances as it was her lucky racquet that she had bought in an Egyptian market. A golden scarab beetle encased in the handle had long been believed to give they who wielded it exceptional abilities. As the match wore on it became obvious to all that the Egyptian mystic who had sold her the racquet was a scam artist full of shit.
Return to Sender: Serena won both sets by a single break of serve and her ability to hit return winners proved to be the difference. Serena only won 10 more points than Venus over the course of the match 69-59, however seven of those were return winners while Venus was unable to manage any. Venus only won 29% of points on her second serve and 0% on her third and fourth.
Subdued Celebrations: As Serena watched a Venus shot land wide on Championship Point she sat on the ground in a reserved celebration of relief, rather than exultant joy, before embracing her sister and contemplating what she had achieved. By winning her 23rd Grand Slam singles title, Serena surpassed the previous Open-era record of 22 Grand Slam singles titles previously held by Steffi Graf. Of course, being the Australian Open, Basil Zempilas, who looks like a greasy sock, didn't mention this statistic in the post-match presentation, opting to focus on the fact that Margaret Court was still one Grand Slam ahead despite winning them under different circumstances as an amateur.
The Most Literal Post-Match Speeches of All Time: Venus was composed and gracious in defeat while Serena was thankful and humble in victory, but this didn't stop the sisters from giving the most literal post-match speeches of all time.
"That's my little sister, guys," said Venus in reference to Serena and, in the process, clearing up any residual confusion as to why two players with such similar names were playing against each other in the final.
"She's the only reason the Williams sisters exist," said Serena of Venus in her subsequent speech, expanding on Venus's revelation that they were sisters and pointing out that without one of the requisite sisters, the sisters would not be sisters.
In thanking her parents, Serena also touched on the foundations of evolutionary biology and the nature of animal reproduction.
"Life wouldn't be possible without them," said Serena and, in referencing both mother and father, eliminated the possibility of any truth in the rumour that her mother created her by asexual reproduction processes.
A Nice Sandwich: Following the pomp and ceremony, Serena and Venus retired back to their campervan, shook hands, and shared a lovely curried egg sandwich, ready for an early night as their day had been very tiring.