Under the orders of Socceroos coach Ange Postecoglou, Australian star Tim Cahill is to enter a state of cryo-genesis to be thawed out before their upcoming World Cup qualifier against the fourth-ranked CONCACAF nation.
With advice coming from the Australian national team's physicians, biomechanics experts and Football Federation Australia, Cahill will be flown to Los Angeles and entered into their state-of-the-art 'California Cryo-Penitentiary', a facility normally used as a prison for high-risk and violent criminals, in order to preserve his body ahead of their next all-important clash.
Postecoglou says that while the practice is unorthodox, it is not without precedent.
"I saw that 90s documentary Demolition Man and asked the FFA to enquire about the availability of one of their 'cells'. I don't know how familiar you are with the doco, but in it they show how they were able to cryogenically freeze humans in a state of controlled stasis until required, like when they unfroze Sgt. John Spartan to catch Simon Phoenix, played by Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes in their dramatic re-enactment I seem to recall," said Postecoglou.
"Well, if we can do the same with Tim (Cahill), who knows how many more World Cups we can get out of him? He's our greatest World Cup goalscorer. Use of one of their cryogenic chambers will apparently cost USD$24million per month, but it's worth it because I need him out there.
"This is literally my only hope."
The move hasn't been met without criticism, however, with sceptics in the footballing community claiming that Demolition Man wasn't a documentary at all and that such a place doesn't exist. Postecoglou says that he has instructed his assistants to work on a Plan B, just in case.
"I'm 99% confident that Demolition Man is a real thing, but if it isn't I have Ante Miličić looking for other ways of capturing Timmy's youth. Around the same time another documentary came out, called Death Becomes Her. In it some people find the fountain of youth that prevents injury and death for all time. If we can find that fountain, then maybe we can use that instead.
"You know that documentary, right? It's the one where Bruce Willis has a moustache."
Australia's next opponent is yet to be confirmed, but it is likely to be one of USA, Panama or Honduras, which the Socceroos must win to qualify for the World Cup in Russia next year.