Under the orders of Socceroos coach Ange Postecoglou, Australian star Tim Cahill is to enter a state of cryo-genesis to be thawed out before their upcoming World Cup qualifier against the fourth-ranked CONCACAF nation.
With advice coming from the Australian national team's physicians, biomechanics experts and Football Federation Australia, Cahill will be flown to Los Angeles and entered into their state-of-the-art 'California Cryo-Penitentiary', a facility normally used as a prison for high-risk and violent criminals, in order to preserve his body ahead of their next all-important clash.
Postecoglou says that while the practice is unorthodox, it is not without precedent.
"I saw that 90s documentary Demolition Man and asked the FFA to enquire about the availability of one of their 'cells'. I don't know how familiar you are with the doco, but in it they show how they were able to cryogenically freeze humans in a state of controlled stasis until required, like when they unfroze Sgt. John Spartan to catch Simon Phoenix, played by Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes in their dramatic re-enactment I seem to recall," said Postecoglou.
"Well, if we can do the same with Tim (Cahill), who knows how many more World Cups we can get out of him? He's our greatest World Cup goalscorer. Use of one of their cryogenic chambers will apparently cost USD$24million per month, but it's worth it because I need him out there.
"This is literally my only hope."
The move hasn't been met without criticism, however, with sceptics in the footballing community claiming that Demolition Man wasn't a documentary at all and that such a place doesn't exist. Postecoglou says that he has instructed his assistants to work on a Plan B, just in case.
"I'm 99% confident that Demolition Man is a real thing, but if it isn't I have Ante Miličić looking for other ways of capturing Timmy's youth. Around the same time another documentary came out, called Death Becomes Her. In it some people find the fountain of youth that prevents injury and death for all time. If we can find that fountain, then maybe we can use that instead.
"You know that documentary, right? It's the one where Bruce Willis has a moustache."
Australia's next opponent is yet to be confirmed, but it is likely to be one of USA, Panama or Honduras, which the Socceroos must win to qualify for the World Cup in Russia next year.
The Socceroos have held Brazil to only four goals at the MCG in their International Friendly last night, in a match that Football Federation Australia officials are calling a 'roaring success'.
The players and coaching staff of Australia have revealed that they set themselves a pre-game target of conceding fewer than 450 goals to their five-time World Cup-winning opponents - a target that was greatly exceeded.
"We got off to a very shaky start. We knew that mathematically, and not allowing for injury time, we'd have to prevent Brazil from scoring every 12 seconds to achieve our goal," said Socceroos coach Ange Postecoglou.
"Of course, after 10 seconds the ball was in our net and I was worried that we'd lose our heads. To the boys credit, we steadied and only conceded another three."
Diego Souza opened the scoring for the Brazilians following a wayward pass from Bailey Wright almost directly from the kick-off. The South Americans were unable to score again for over an hour until Thiago Silva headed home a goal from a yard out; defender David Luiz described it as "definitely the longest hour of my footballing life".
Australia now fly to Russia to compete in the Confederations Cup where they are grouped with Cameroon, Chile and Germany.
"The biggest test will be Germany," said Postecoglou.
"Given that we aimed to keep Brazil under 450, and Germany beat Brazil 7-1, if we keep Germany to under 3150 goals we'll consider that a win."
Australia play Germany at Fisht Olympic Stadium in Sochi on June 19th.
In light of their most recent win against the United Arab Emirates thanks to two headed goals from corners, the Socceroos and Football Federation Australia have asked for the inclusion of two extra corners for their next match against Saudi Arabia at Adelaide Oval in June.
These most recent goals follow another goal from a corner in their previous match against Iraq the week prior. While many discussions have been centred around Australia's drought of goals from open play, the effectiveness of goals from set-pieces, corners in particular, must surely attract praise.
Speaking exclusively to ASW, FFA CEO David Gallop was quick to compliment Ange Postecoglou and the Socceroos for their set-piece dominance, and was eager to offer help.
"In every dead-ball situation, the opposition are worried," said Gallop.
"While Ange obviously has a lot on his plate and is doing very well with the side, the FFA feels that we could do more to help our national team which is why we've decided, in our next fixture against Saudi Arabia, to play on a hexagon.
"This will increase our goal scoring opportunities by 50%, and that's just math. Plus, there's nowhere in the rules that says you HAVE to play on a rectangle."
There is a rule that states that you have to play on a rectangle.
Jackson Irvine, who scored his first international goal at one of Australia's successful corners against UAE, was unsure of the federation's plan.
"If there are extra corners, where will the goals go? How does Ange's formation work on a hexagon? Plus, aren't hexagons the devil's favourite shape?
"I'm pretty sure once Leckie's girlfriend made him a hexagon sandwich and later that day his dog shat in his sock drawer. I don't trust hexagons. I don't like this one bit."
Ange Postecoglou briefly addressed the suggestion at the after-match press conference.
"You guys make fun of the suggestion, but if a foreigner suggested it you'd think it was genius. Imagine if the Italians started doing it. You'd think it was genius. Imagine if the Spanish did it. The Germans. Brazil. The Ivory Coast. England. Poland. Russia. Uruguay. I think that's all the countries. Imagine if they did it! You'd be labelling them heroes."
Australia v Saudi Arabia will be played on June 8. Tickets are on sale.
Concerned with Australia's inability to secure a win in their last four World Cup qualifying fixtures, Socceroos head coach Ange Postecoglou has called for the inclusion of Peter Hore for the next match against UAE early next week.
Australia were outmuscled and outplayed in their most recent match against Iraq despite earning a point in their 1-1 draw in Tehran. Matthew Leckie's 39th minute header was cancelled out in the 76th minute by a goal from Ahmed Yaseen, after Iraq had controlled the majority of the attacking play. Australia were unable to change the course of the game's momentum and it is for this reason that Postecoglou has considered recalling the Australian legend, Hore.
"We saw back in 1997 against Iran what an impact Peter can have in changing the direction of a game. He's been out of it for a while so I don't think he'll start, but if the UAE are dictating the play I'll have no hesitation in sending him out there," said Postecoglou.
"I might get him to play as a false 9 holding the ball up, or he can be explosive down the wing...or he can take a shit on the penalty spot. He's versatile."
Socceroos captain Mile Jedinak has come out in support of Ange's surprise selection, saying that Hore could work very well in their new tactical system.
"We went to a 3-4-3 type formation for this match (against Iraq) and it might take a little while to gel. I don't think anyone really stepped up and was prepared to do what Peter Hore is so good at. Just the little things like tracking back to cover the centre backs, wiping their dick on the corner flag or eating their own boots. I trust Ange to make the right decision."
Former Australian goalkeeper Mark Bosnich, who played in Hore's last international appearance in 1997, displayed skepticism at the impact Hore could have.
"It's been 20 years since he last appeared on the world footballing stage. Does he still have it? I don't know. Plus, I've been talking to Stan (Lazaridis) and Aurelio (Vidmar) who both played in that game and we've agreed, if Peter Hore plays against the UAE we're going to stab him in the face."
Australia v UAE will be played at Allianz Stadium on Tuesday, March 28.
Melbourne City have finally won their first trophy, defeating Sydney FC 1-0 in the FFA Cup Final thanks to a Tim Cahill header in the 53rd minute.
While happiness and celebrations were expected from Melbourne players their goalscorer and saviour Tim Cahill was surprisingly subdued and almost melancholy about the win.
“I find it very hard to take individual medals because I’m a team player,” said Cahill, referring to the Cup final medals.
“The best thing about this club is it’s not nice when you can’t share it," he continued, creating a sentence that requires multiple re-readings in order to properly grasp the meaning.
No-one at the AAMI Park venue notified Cahill that every member of the playing team received the same medal, and that it is actually actively encouraged that the team shares in its celebrations, sometimes even with supporters.
Despite this, some Melbourne City fans had differing opinions.
"I find it disgusting that the team gets to share in Timmy's individual honour. I mean, we never won anything and all of a sudden we get the best Australian player in the world to play for us, and we win stuff. They should melt down all the medals and create one great big Flava Flav style medal and stick it on Timmy," said one Melbourne City supporter.
"I like it when he punches the flag," said another.
"I hope the bird's ok," said an impartial bystander who had read all news reports about the night and not realised that a game of football was played.