England are expected to hit back in the fourth Ashes Test against Australia in Melbourne tomorrow after getting a big bag of ‘intent’ from Santa Claus for Christmas.
Australia, who have won the first three Tests of the five-Test series and regained the Ashes, have been consistently cited as showing superior ‘intent’ during the series by commentators, fellow players and coaches alike.
Steve Smith praised Mitch Marsh’s intent during his maiden test century in Perth, while it was Smith’s own intent that Michael Clarke claimed helped Smith to his double century in the same innings.
England captain Joe Root, who is under fire for a series of underwhelming performances on the tour, signalled his intent to ask Father Christmas for more intent after hearing pundit Shane Warne use the word eight times in a single sentence.
“It’s obvious that on home soil it’s easier for the Australians because they can cultivate their own home-grown intent, or even store some spare intent at the ground. They have an abundance of intent,” said Root.
“For a touring squad it’s much harder as Australian customs are intent on preventing the import of intent, and the exchange rate on intent is terrible if we were to get it here, especially since Brexit.
“That’s why I put the call out at Christmas for some extra intent from Santa, and a really fast bike.”
Following Root’s plea, Father Christmas is said to have delivered 18 metres of intent, as well as a sick BMX. It is alleged that batsman Alastair Cook was spotted popping a wheelie with a line of intent trailing out of his back pocket in St Kilda this afternoon.
Upon hearing the news that he may have inspired the beginnings of an English comeback, Shane Warne was not prepared to take responsibility.
“Root reckons he got the idea of intent from me, but our boys have shown intent all through the series. You just had to see Steve Smith’s intent in his double ton, or Shaun Marsh’s intent in his century in the Second Test, or even Hazlewood’s intent in his five wickets in the Third Test,” said Warne.
“If people blame me for giving them the idea, well, that wasn’t my intent.
"Plus, Kevin Pietersen has used the word 'intent' more than me. To be fair, though, he's used every word more than everyone."
The Fourth Test kicks off tomorrow, December 26, at the MCG.