Queensland politician and amphibious reptile expert Bob Katter has been named by the ICC as a match-day official for the opening Test of the 2017/18 Ashes series to ensure that no player from either side is ‘torn to pieces by a crocodile’.
The much anticipated and historic Test series, which starts at the Gabba in Brisbane tomorrow, was thrown into chaos when it was revealed that Queensland is experiencing a series of crocodile attacks of epic proportions. The touring England squad, who are unaccustomed to the constant threat of being dragged over the fine leg boundary by a 15-foot crocodile, asked for special protections to be put in place to guarantee their safety, which has come in the form of 72 year-old Katter.
England coach Trevor Bayliss highlighted the unrest that the added anxiety has caused his playing group.
“Both countries have experienced a lot of intense scrutiny over the last few months with regards to form, team selections, disciplinary actions, that sort of thing. Just when we thought things were settling down and we’d found a unity in our playing group we learn that crocodiles are running rampant all over Queensland and, whether we win or lose the toss, we could all die,” said Bayliss.
“We don’t have crocodiles in England. The worst threat to our players is if an older gentleman in the Long Room at Lord’s leaves an incontinent puddle that a player could slip on when going out to bat - and we have cleaners for that. That’s why we need a crocodile cleaner in Brisbane.
“Just to be clear, we want someone to clean up the threat of crocodiles, not to clean the crocodiles themselves.”
The Australian team has not been without their concerns, either, with Test hopeful and Queensland player Matt Renshaw revealing that his controversial non-selection was partially his own decision.
“I don’t want to play in Queensland right now. I don’t want to be in Queensland right now. Four people have been taken from my street this week alone, by crocodiles, as they slept. They know how to unlock doors, they know how to avoid security,” said Renshaw nervously.
“They’re masters of disguise. They could be walking among us and we wouldn’t even know it. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Australian selectors were all crocodiles. I’m not taking any chances.”
Bob Katter has already begun his preliminary sweeps of the Gabba, with his final inspection to take place between the performance of the national anthems and the first ball of the series.
Katter was approached for comment by ASW but declined, saying “you’re just gonna ask me about all that gay marriage stuff and I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR IT. I GOTTA FIND ME SOME CROCODILES.”