Former Collingwood premiership player Michael Christian has announced that he will resign from his position as the sole AFL Match Review Officer, just seven rounds into the 2018 season, to take up a new role as Architect of the Matrix.
Christian was hired as the lone adjudicator on punishments for on-field incidents in a revamped system this year by the AFL. The AFL must now find a replacement for the outgoing Christian who has told them that he intends to leave for his new job immediately.
In his new position as Matrix Architect, Christian will again be solely responsible for viewing hours of incident footage and - by making judgements on intent, severity of action and severity of outcome - handing down sanctions and setting precedents by which people must adhere to in the future.
While previously Christian was only responsible for reviewing nine AFL games’ worth of incidents, however, he will now be responsible for viewing and judging all incidents across the universe transcending time and space.
Christian, who previously held commentary positions in the media, told ASW that while he appreciated his time with the AFL he could not turn down the opportunity to join the machines as their sole arbiter over all conscious reality.
“I’ve spent most of my life in football and it’s sad to leave, but with every ending is a new beginning and I look forward to this new chapter,” said Christian.
“The last few weeks as AFL Match Review Officer have taught me a lot of skills that I think I can use to my advantage as Architect. I’ll have no issue staring at television screens all day, I’ll have experience in working independently, and I’ve trained myself to make all judgements based on a version of reality that I’ve superimposed onto the version preferred by those affected, ignoring or sometimes directly contradicting the laws previously established.
“It’s going to be a blast.”
ASW asked Christian if his decision to leave his AFL position was related to the controversy and backlash on social media over his decision to suspend West Coast Eagles ruckman Nic Naitanui after a tackle that many argue did not warrant a punishment.
“That tackle was the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. It was the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control,” said Christian.
“Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning... and end.”
ASW pressed Christian for clarification but he was unwilling to elaborate further.
“You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not.”
Naitanui will be unable to play this week for the Eagles.