Fremantle have delivered a Valentine's Day present of captaincy to Nat Fyfe in the hope of covering up holes that have slowly developed in the relationship.
The Dockers have had suspicions that Fyfe may be seduced by exotic temptresses from the east over the past season or two, but have been unable to uncover any evidence of unfaithfulness. In order to try and dissuade Fyfe from acting on any urges, Fremantle have sent a gentle reminder that they still see a future together.
Arriving by singing telegram, Fremantle sent Fyfe his captaincy directly to his office in front of everyone (even Julie who's been off recently because of her diabetes).
"It was really lovely," said Susan whose husband left her three years ago and has never really recovered.
"It's nice to know that for some people there really can be true happiness," she continued, tears pooling above her cheeks which she attempted to pass off as happiness for her workmate rather than sorrow for herself.
Throughout the commotion and excitement, one figure who remained subdued was Fyfe himself.
"Look, it's really nice. Fremantle means well, y'know? It's just...well...we promised we wouldn't enter into the whole Valentine's Day thing and we wouldn't get each other anything. Now I feel like a bit of an idiot, so we'll have a talk about it when I get home.
"Nothing's wrong, though. We're happy together. Really, we are."
One unhappy party, however, was co-worker David Mundy who's been critical of Fyfe ever since he took extended stress leave during their group project leaving Mundy with the annual board presentation to do all by himself.
"I don't get it. I'm a nice guy. People say I'm funny. I read books and that time I cooked beef wellington for Tina after she got that bad news about her cat...it wasn't a date but I totally could have kissed her but I didn't because I respect women, which is another thing.
"Why does Nat get all the attention? I bet he can't even play an instrument and I can play the piano accordion which is like two instruments anyway."
Fremantle is Fyfe's first girlfriend having got together as teenagers. They have been dating eight years.