CARLTON HIRE ROBERT WALLS AS A COACHING MENTOR AFTER SINGLE WORST PIECE OF FOOTBALL ANALYSIS AND PREDICTION IN RECORDED HISTORY

Geoff Stone

Robert Walls will take on a voluntary coach mentoring role at his previous club, Carlton, after this week claiming credit for West Coast’s premiership after predicting they’d finish last.
 
There is no joke to this article. No element of satire. This is the truth. Carlton are welcoming Walls, a man nearing 70 years old, to work with the coaching staff as a “soundboard” for them to bounce ideas off, as well as turn to for advice.
 
This is Robert Walls, a man who hasn’t coached an AFL side for premiership points in over 20 years (after being sacked mid-season by Richmond after a 137-point defeat).
 
This is Robert Walls, a man who predicted that West Coast would win the wooden spoon and, after being proven as wrong as is humanly possible, told AFL Tonight that he didn’t really mean it. 
 
“Did I think the Eagles would win the wooden spoon? No. But I was prepared to say that, because they’re pretty gullible over there,” Walls said while frustratingly winking like a disappointing combination of Donald Trump and David Brent.
 
“ It actually galvanised the West Coast Eagles supporters … I do take a lot of credit for it.”

​The only way he could have been more wrong was if he were to have predicted that West Coast would file for bankruptcy and cease to exist, which he never would have said because if you say your wishes out loud they don't come true.
 
He also said that he calls West Coast the ‘West Coast Stealers’ because of all the Victorian talent they’ve ‘stolen’ (aka recruited as part of a national competition).
 
“Adam Simpson of course, Sam Mitchell the midfield coach who did a terrific job organising the midfield players, Drew Petrie had a big hand in the way the ruckmen played, (Nathan) Vardy played in the ruck — he’s a Victorian as well.
 
“I just hope they look at that and say ‘we’ve got to thank Victoria for sending over a little bit’.”
 
Did Robert Walls point out that last year’s premiers, Richmond, had Alex Rance, Daniel Rioli, Nathan Broad and Kamdyn McIntosh in their Grand Final side who are all from WA? Did he fuck.
 
I mean, sweet Jesus on a jetski, what a pinecone.
 
Honestly. Fuck nuance. He’s a muppet.

WALLS: I AM STILL HERE.

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