After negotiations between the Melbourne Football Club and Adelaide Football Club over a potential trade for defender Jake Lever have reportedly turned icy, former NBA star, pro-wrestler and friend of Kim Jong-Un, Dennis Rodman, has been called in as mediator.
After Melbourne's first trade offer for the out-of-contract Lever allegedly prompted an Adelaide official to walk out, communications have been tense between the clubs. It is understood that Lever's manager, Ned Guy (actual name), has contacted Carmen Electra's former husband, Rodman, to use his expertise to help bridge the communications gap. Rodman has previously offered his services to try and ease the tension between North Korea - controlled by personal friend Kim Jong-Un - and the rest of the known universe.
Melbourne's general football manager, Josh Mahoney, says he welcomes Rodman's calming influence and hopes that an amicable agreement can be reached.
"The fact that we're not all disintegrated from atomic bombs or slowly melting from nuclear radiation is a testament to Dennis Rodman's mediation abilities," said Mahoney.
"North Korea and the USA, Israel and Palestine, catholics and protestants, Melbourne and the Crows. Dennis has so far prevented a nuclear winter at the hands of Kim Jong-Un and Donald Trump, I'm sure he could help broker a deal between a couple of footy clubs!
"Just don't let him near Taylor Walker. I've heard that he's really angry."
Adelaide's football manager, Brett Burton, has said that despite Lever and Melbourne desperately wanting to get a deal done, Adelaide is open to other offers.
“We will negotiate with whoever will give the Adelaide footy club the best deal. We need to do what’s best for the Adelaide footy club," said Burton.
"If that means trading Lever to North Korea because they've given us the best offer, then so be it. Wait, have I misunderstood this? Does Bryce Gibbs play for Russia or Catalonia?
"I think I need to sit down."
The AFL trade period ends on October 19.
Premiership player, Brownlow medallist and Norm Smith medallist Dustin Martin has added to the list of accolades he has won this week after being unanimously voted in as senior coach by the Gold Coast board.
Since Rodney Eade's departure before the season's end, Dean Solomon took over as caretaker coach of the Gold Coast Suns with limited success. Rumours have been rife as to who might be taking the top job at Gold Coast, as of yet the only new position made available this year in the sometimes volatile world of AFL coaching. While his name had not been previously mentioned, Gold Coast board member Tim Parks made it clear that in the end there was no other choice.
"We watched in wonder as Dustin Martin grabbed the finals by the throat. We heard commentators repeatedly ask if there was anything he couldn't do. Well, we figure maybe there isn't, so why not give him a shot at coaching a bunch of players who barely want to be here?
"He'll still be a player for Richmond, obviously, but on our gamedays he can watch on the AFL app and give us a call if he thinks we should change anything. If anyone doesn't agree with our decision, all I can say is...don't argue! Hahahahahahahahaha...(starts coughing)...I think I'm choking.
"Whatever the results, he'll be a great media spokesperson for us."
While opinion may be divided and some are reserving judgement, the Gold Coast board and Martin have found a keen supporter and advocate for their decision in media stalwart Bruce McAvaney, who popped up from behind an office fern to make comment on Martin.
"Every now and then a personality comes along that grabs the imagination of all people in the sporting community. From a life of hardship and obstacles Dustin Martin, or 'Dusty' to all of us, has overcome and exceeded all of our expectations. Watching him break tackles, explode through the centre and kick a trademark goal from 50, you just get the feeling that you're witnessing greatness, don't you?" said McAvaney before awkwardly invading our personal space and dribbling onto his own shoes.
Gold Coast's pre-season isn't expected to begin until early December.