AFL villain and GWS forward Toby Greene is set to further outrage opposition fans after being spotted training with his newly developed dehydration ray – a weapon he’s expected to unveil against Collingwood in their Semi Final at the MCG on Saturday.
Greene, who was asked by reporters about the ‘Total Dehydrator’ after his team’s Wednesday morning training session, was hesitant to confirm that he would be using the as-yet unregulated moisture-extracting gun against the Magpies to turn their defenders into sand.
“Ah ha ha ha! You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you! But I promise, I won’t leave you all high and…DRY!” said Greene while laughing maniacally and twirling his moustache.
The dehydration ray, originally developed by Big Ben Distillery to ship whiskey, works by removing every single drop of moisture from a subject and leaving them as a neatly heaped pile of sand. The sand can be rehydrated back into its original form by adding water. It was first seen in the 1966 Batman movie.
Greene has been under fire this week after using his leg ‘kung fu style’ to hold off Sydney defenders in their first final, using the studs on his boots to push against their bodies. Many viewers thought the action was tantamount to a kick, however the match umpires disagreed and let the tactic go unpunished.
Despite being found to be within the rules during play, many thought it was unsportsmanlike and should be seen as one of those things that is technically legal but you shouldn't do, like farting in an elevator, or holidaying in Broken Hill.
“Sydney fans are just jealous because we KICKED them out of the finals! Ah ha ha ha ha!” cackled Greene, while stroking a white cat.
“We sure gave them the BOOT!” he continued, unprompted.
GWS coach Leon Cameron understands the scrutiny that his diminutive forward has been under and while he’s instructed him to put the ‘fly-kick’ away, he knows that Greene will keep thinking of ways to ‘push the envelope’.
“Toby’s the kind of guy who’ll stop at nothing to try and get that competitive edge. Some may say that if he were really good he’d be able to dominate without trying to break the rules, but as that saying goes that makes absolutely no sense at all, ‘rules were made to be broken’,” said Cameron.
When asked if his star forward had any other secret weapons up his sleeve, Cameron hinted at the possibility of a few more.
“He’s been training an exploding shark for the past few weeks, I’ve seen him with an umbrella that shoots out sleeping gas, and I reckon he might even have a really big bomb with a fuse sticking out of it. We’ll have to wait and see.”
Final teams for Saturday’s final will be announced Thursday night.