The ghastly spectre of former Richmond great Jack Dyer is expected to be named the third member of a new AFL committee dedicated to improving the ‘look of the game’, with Malcolm Blight and Leigh Matthews already revealed as the first two inaugural members.
Blight revealed on Sportsday SA radio that he and Leigh Matthews had been approached by AFL general manager of football operations Steve Hocking to help with generating ideas to enhance the spectacle of the modern game.
Australian Sports Weakly can exclusively reveal that Hocking has already contacted the unearthly spirit of Jack Dyer via ouija board to add to his committee of people who have had no experience of the modern game in at least a decade.
"I think it's important in this day and age of quick rebound football, where fans are frustrated at the number of free kicks, and where we have a much higher duty of care to our players, to call in the help of players from a bygone era where no-one ran, free kicks averaged 80-100 per game and everyone punched each other whenever they felt like," Hocking said to ASW.
"It's with this in mind that we have also asked the ghost of Ted Whitten to join, Jack Thompson's character 'Laurie Holden' from The Club, and also Angry Anderson.
"Actually, if the disembodied phantoms of Jack Dyer and Ted Whitten still know any of those blokes from the Four'n Twenty Pies advert, we'll take them as well."
Criticism has come online from current and recently retired players, including Adelaide's Josh Jenkins and former Richmond great Matthew Richardson, who feel that former players from the last few years should be represented.
Hocking has hit back at the criticism saying that they're "bloody millennials" and that they "wouldn't know real football if it flew up their arse".
Malcolm Blight has already hinted that he has existing concerns with the modern game that he'd like addressed.
"Thirty-six players in one quarter of ground is my pet hate. I've got some ideas," said Blight.
Speaking via medium to ASW, Dyer also hinted at the first rule change he would make.
"Those modern players need to get off our lawn," said the legendary ghoul.
The AFL is expected to make formal announcements in the coming days.
Former Collingwood premiership player Michael Christian has announced that he will resign from his position as the sole AFL Match Review Officer, just seven rounds into the 2018 season, to take up a new role as Architect of the Matrix.
Christian was hired as the lone adjudicator on punishments for on-field incidents in a revamped system this year by the AFL. The AFL must now find a replacement for the outgoing Christian who has told them that he intends to leave for his new job immediately.
In his new position as Matrix Architect, Christian will again be solely responsible for viewing hours of incident footage and - by making judgements on intent, severity of action and severity of outcome - handing down sanctions and setting precedents by which people must adhere to in the future.
While previously Christian was only responsible for reviewing nine AFL games’ worth of incidents, however, he will now be responsible for viewing and judging all incidents across the universe transcending time and space.
Christian, who previously held commentary positions in the media, told ASW that while he appreciated his time with the AFL he could not turn down the opportunity to join the machines as their sole arbiter over all conscious reality.
“I’ve spent most of my life in football and it’s sad to leave, but with every ending is a new beginning and I look forward to this new chapter,” said Christian.
“The last few weeks as AFL Match Review Officer have taught me a lot of skills that I think I can use to my advantage as Architect. I’ll have no issue staring at television screens all day, I’ll have experience in working independently, and I’ve trained myself to make all judgements based on a version of reality that I’ve superimposed onto the version preferred by those affected, ignoring or sometimes directly contradicting the laws previously established.
“It’s going to be a blast.”
ASW asked Christian if his decision to leave his AFL position was related to the controversy and backlash on social media over his decision to suspend West Coast Eagles ruckman Nic Naitanui after a tackle that many argue did not warrant a punishment.
“That tackle was the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix. It was the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control,” said Christian.
“Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning... and end.”
ASW pressed Christian for clarification but he was unwilling to elaborate further.
“You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not.”
Naitanui will be unable to play this week for the Eagles.