Recreational drug use amongst players in the AFL is out of control according to reports from several journalists, one of whom hasn’t been to sleep since January and another who struggled to type his article after biting off all his fingernails, Australian Sports Weakly has heard.
Prompted by recent incidents involving candid recordings of players engaging in drug-related activities, including Port Adelaide’s Jack Watts and Greater Western Sydney’s Shane Mumford, several AFL journalists have been investigating how wide spread drug use in the league by asking their dealers for lists of their clients’ names. It is understood that several reporters are shocked by how many players appear to be involved.
One journalist source, who shall remain anonymous, says he was “taken aback” by the revelations.
“It’s a much larger issue than we first thought,” said the nameless journo.
“Not only are we seeing names from nearly every club, but several of them get way better prices per gram than anyone at my newspaper.
“We know it’s not a regulated industry but something desperately needs to be done about it. I’m losing about half my paycheck each fortnight and it’s just not fair.”
Former St Kilda coach Grant Thomas said this week that he thought drug use was “rife” in the AFL, drawing on his experience with players in 2006.
“I’d be amazingly surprised if people have pulled their head in. You hear regularly different rumours about different players,” Thomas said.
“It’s just not reported. It’s not something the media talk about.
“I just find it really disturbing and a great concern and I don’t know that enough is being done about it.”
While former player under Thomas, Nick Dal Santo, refuted his former coach’s claims.
“I didn’t see it. Yes, we drank... but I didn’t see drugs. It wasn’t part of our culture with that particular playing group,” said Dal Santo.
“It would be naive of me to say no one at St Kilda was doing it, but rife makes me think it’s the majority, that’s 20 to 25 players, I can’t see that.”
Australian Sports Weakly understands that Dal Santo was right to be sceptical of Grant Thomas’s claims.
“There’s no way that 20 to 25 players on their list were doing it,” said our faceless source.
“It was not ‘rife’.
“By the way, can we just confirm that ‘rife’ begins at 20 players? We can? Good. Then like I said, it wasn’t ‘rife’.”
When asked if any AFL staff or management were on any of the drug dealers’ lists, the journalist was hesitant to confirm anything outright.
“I can’t say anyone’s names, but we all saw AFLX didn’t we? That idea didn’t just come out of someone’s fever dream, did it?”
Australian Sports Weakly will continue to follow the story.
Hawthorn have capped off a dream day of trading after receiving Tom Scully from Greater Western Sydney by finding a $10 note in his pocket.
Hawthorn and GWS agreed to a trade this afternoon that saw two-time All-Australian nominee Scully head to the Hawks in exchange for a future fourth round draft pick – a deal many see as heavily in Hawthorn’s favour. Though an injury cloud hangs over Scully’s head, Hawks list manager Graham Wright was already very pleased to secure the former number one draft pick for next-to-nothing, and said the ‘icing on the cake’ was finding money in one of Scully’s pockets.
“Oh man, how good does it feel when you find money in an old pocket? It really brightens your day!” said Wright.
“I thought I was lucky when I was flying over to Sydney and they upgraded me to first class, and then the ticket machine on the bus wasn’t working so I got to ride for free.
“This stuff always seems to happen since I’ve come to Hawthorn!”
While Hawthorn were celebrating their ceaseless procession of victories, Greater Western Sydney list manager Jason McCartney was quite content when talking to the media after the trade.
"It was a complex trade given the uncertainly around Tom’s ankle," McCartney told gwsgiants.com.au.
“And that uncertainty was worth us giving him away for peanuts, because you know how that famous saying goes? ‘You pay peanuts, you get one of our very, very best monkeys when we all want good monkeys.’
“Also, can someone check if players are paid peanuts whether the value of the peanuts goes against the salary cap? I’m asking for a friend.”
The AFL trade period ends tomorrow in what promises to be a day of several big-name moves, with Lachie Neale, Jesse Hogan, Dayne Beams, Steven May and a host of others expected to feature.
CARLTON HIRE ROBERT WALLS AS A COACHING MENTOR AFTER SINGLE WORST PIECE OF FOOTBALL ANALYSIS AND PREDICTION IN RECORDED HISTORY
Robert Walls will take on a voluntary coach mentoring role at his previous club, Carlton, after this week claiming credit for West Coast’s premiership after predicting they’d finish last.
There is no joke to this article. No element of satire. This is the truth. Carlton are welcoming Walls, a man nearing 70 years old, to work with the coaching staff as a “soundboard” for them to bounce ideas off, as well as turn to for advice.
This is Robert Walls, a man who hasn’t coached an AFL side for premiership points in over 20 years (after being sacked mid-season by Richmond after a 137-point defeat).
This is Robert Walls, a man who predicted that West Coast would win the wooden spoon and, after being proven as wrong as is humanly possible, told AFL Tonight that he didn’t really mean it.
“Did I think the Eagles would win the wooden spoon? No. But I was prepared to say that, because they’re pretty gullible over there,” Walls said while frustratingly winking like a disappointing combination of Donald Trump and David Brent.
“ It actually galvanised the West Coast Eagles supporters … I do take a lot of credit for it.”
The only way he could have been more wrong was if he were to have predicted that West Coast would file for bankruptcy and cease to exist, which he never would have said because if you say your wishes out loud they don't come true.
He also said that he calls West Coast the ‘West Coast Stealers’ because of all the Victorian talent they’ve ‘stolen’ (aka recruited as part of a national competition).
“Adam Simpson of course, Sam Mitchell the midfield coach who did a terrific job organising the midfield players, Drew Petrie had a big hand in the way the ruckmen played, (Nathan) Vardy played in the ruck — he’s a Victorian as well.
“I just hope they look at that and say ‘we’ve got to thank Victoria for sending over a little bit’.”
Did Robert Walls point out that last year’s premiers, Richmond, had Alex Rance, Daniel Rioli, Nathan Broad and Kamdyn McIntosh in their Grand Final side who are all from WA? Did he fuck.
I mean, sweet Jesus on a jetski, what a pinecone.
Honestly. Fuck nuance. He’s a muppet.
AFL villain and GWS forward Toby Greene is set to further outrage opposition fans after being spotted training with his newly developed dehydration ray – a weapon he’s expected to unveil against Collingwood in their Semi Final at the MCG on Saturday.
Greene, who was asked by reporters about the ‘Total Dehydrator’ after his team’s Wednesday morning training session, was hesitant to confirm that he would be using the as-yet unregulated moisture-extracting gun against the Magpies to turn their defenders into sand.
“Ah ha ha ha! You’ll just have to wait and see, won’t you! But I promise, I won’t leave you all high and…DRY!” said Greene while laughing maniacally and twirling his moustache.
The dehydration ray, originally developed by Big Ben Distillery to ship whiskey, works by removing every single drop of moisture from a subject and leaving them as a neatly heaped pile of sand. The sand can be rehydrated back into its original form by adding water. It was first seen in the 1966 Batman movie.
Greene has been under fire this week after using his leg ‘kung fu style’ to hold off Sydney defenders in their first final, using the studs on his boots to push against their bodies. Many viewers thought the action was tantamount to a kick, however the match umpires disagreed and let the tactic go unpunished.
Despite being found to be within the rules during play, many thought it was unsportsmanlike and should be seen as one of those things that is technically legal but you shouldn't do, like farting in an elevator, or holidaying in Broken Hill.
“Sydney fans are just jealous because we KICKED them out of the finals! Ah ha ha ha ha!” cackled Greene, while stroking a white cat.
“We sure gave them the BOOT!” he continued, unprompted.
GWS coach Leon Cameron understands the scrutiny that his diminutive forward has been under and while he’s instructed him to put the ‘fly-kick’ away, he knows that Greene will keep thinking of ways to ‘push the envelope’.
“Toby’s the kind of guy who’ll stop at nothing to try and get that competitive edge. Some may say that if he were really good he’d be able to dominate without trying to break the rules, but as that saying goes that makes absolutely no sense at all, ‘rules were made to be broken’,” said Cameron.
When asked if his star forward had any other secret weapons up his sleeve, Cameron hinted at the possibility of a few more.
“He’s been training an exploding shark for the past few weeks, I’ve seen him with an umbrella that shoots out sleeping gas, and I reckon he might even have a really big bomb with a fuse sticking out of it. We’ll have to wait and see.”
Final teams for Saturday’s final will be announced Thursday night.
The overall use of the ‘broken clock’ analogy has risen 900% overnight as AFL fans learned the news that Sam McClure had correctly predicted Mitch McGovern’s request to leave the Adelaide Crows, Australian Sports Weakly has heard.
McClure, a journalist for The Age, 1116 SEN, and the Seven Network, has been much maligned for incorrectly predicting Rory Sloane’s exit from the Crows earlier this year. He also suggested that fellow crows players Tom Lynch and Paul Seedsman would be making probable exits before they re-signed. His correct prediction that the contracted McGovern would request a trade to leave South Australia was met with smug sarcasm and condescension, with many online commenters gleefully dusting off an old analogy about the efficacy of damaged timepieces that they’d been storing away for this very occasion.
Reddit user ‘Bearsicle19’ was quick to comment on reports that McClure was on the money by saying that “a broken clock is still right twice a day”, while Carlton fan ‘Fabulous_Dave’ also decided to comment, declaring that “even a broken clock is right twice a day”.
“A broken clock is right twice a day,” added Reddit user ‘motzart73’.
Across on the Reddit forum dedicated to the Adelaide Football Club, a similar message was being heard with user 'DuckyChaos' commenting that "a broken clock is right twice a day”.
Twitter told a similar story.
While the popularity of the ‘broken clock’ analogy has risen exponentially, proponents of competing analogies are still experiencing a surge in popularity. Use of the ‘throw enough mud at the wall’ analogy (and its closely related ‘throw enough shit’ analogy), has also risen upwards of 400%, while even the more obscure ‘even a blind squirrel will sometimes trip on a nut’ has been given a new lease of life.
When asked for a reaction, McClure seemed largely unaffected by the comments.
“Haha!” said McClure.
“Firstly, my watch is digital so the analogy doesn't even work. Plus, it’s water resistant to 100 metres, shock resistant to a 20 metre drop and can withstand extreme temperatures. It. Will. Never. Break. So the joke’s on them.
“Anyway, I bought it in Japan and it was the last one they made so you can’t have one, sorry.”
Trade talks won’t begin until after the season concludes, with the finals series set to start on Thursday September 6th.