The Sydney Swans have confirmed that scans of defender Alex Johnson’s right knee - injured in his second game since returning from an almost six-year absence due to injuries in his left knee – have revealed that we all live in a godless world of chaos and imbalance.
Johnson, 26, inspired his peers and fans of all clubs last week when he returned to play AFL football for the first time since the 2012 Grand Final due to persistent injuries requiring numerous surgeries on his left knee. While fans and his peers were vocal in their praise for Johnson’s positivity and resilience, the universe was largely unaffected by his uplifting story and continued its anarchic, karma-less, and depressive inevitable procession of random events resulting in Johnson seriously injuring his other knee this weekend.
After it was revealed today that Johnson will have to undergo extensive rehabilitation once again in order to return to AFL level, members of the footballing community were quick to share an empathetic message of support to both Johnson and his family which, according to coach John Longmire, has been well received by the shattered, but appreciative, star.
“Alex is a strong-willed lad and he’s shown that in the past, but sometimes constant disappointment and an ever-increasing number of hurdles can shake the strongest man’s resolve, which is why these messages of support are so important to not just Alex and his family, but the footy club as well,” said Longmire.
“But while their well-wishes are being gratefully received, any prayers they’re sending are just echoing off the corners of the cosmos, rebounding eternally through time as an ongoing testament to futility, zigzagging through the entropic deity-less clusterfuck that we call life.
“Everything is meaningless.”
Sydney head of football, Tom Harley, has said that despite the setback, Johnson will continue to play a positive role at the football club.
"As we saw after the injury on Sunday, Alex is the ultimate clubman and will be doing all he can to support his teammates from the sidelines for the remainder of the season,” said Harley.
“Although why we all are bothering is beyond me. We’re all gonna die in the end anyway.”
Sydney play Greater Western Sydney at Spotless Stadium on Saturday.
SYDNEY’S ALEX JOHNSON TO PLAY FIRST AFL GAME IN SIX YEARS; SWANS 2012 PREMIERSHIP PLAYER UNABLE TO RECOGNISE THE SPORT DUE TO ‘STATE OF THE GAME’
On Saturday, Alex Johnson, a member of the Sydney Swans’ 2012 premiership-winning side, will play his first AFL game since that fateful Grand Final despite telling Australian Sports Weakly that he doesn’t even recognise the sport.
Johnson, 26, is returning from five knee reconstructions 2,136 days after his last game at AFL level - an achievement that is being roundly praised by fans and his peers. However, Johnson has yet another challenge to face, this time in navigating a sport completely unrecognisable to the one he played six years ago due to the STATE OF THE GAME and its devolution.
Speaking exclusively to ASW, Johnson has revealed that from his unique perspective he can confirm that AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan’s fears - that the STATE OF THE GAME is a pressing concern – are justified.
“I’ve heard a lot said in the media, and I mean A LOT, about the need for more rule changes to improve our game and that Gil’s (Gillon McLachlan) plans to trial these rule changes need to come quickly, and I echo those sentiments completely,” said Johnson, who has overcome 12 knee surgeries to once again play AFL football.
“I guess I’m sort of like a human time capsule here, and I can tell you that the differences between my last game and my next one are huge.
“First of all, Horse (Sydney coach John Longmire) has had to try to equip me to deal with the congestion in modern footy, which has been tough. Then, after I’ve got my head around that, the other boys have taught me how to avoid those large pools of acid that keep sprouting up around the field nowadays. That never happened in my day.
“And if it’s not the acid pools, then there’s the condors that circle above, nosediving to strike you with their talons at every stoppage. It’s brutal out there.”
Fellow teammate Ben Ronke, who only made his AFL debut this season, told ASW that it would be a great morale boost to see Johnson playing once again.
“He’s great around the club telling all us youngsters stories about the days of yore when the STATE OF THE GAME was in much better nick,” said Ronke.
“After training he often tells us tales of a time when AFL football was a pleasurable experience to watch and play, in the years before used syringes scattered the field and before one member of each losing side would be publicly executed after the match.
“To have him play along side me – well, I’m gonna feel five foot taller, like I can run twice as fast, like I can jump twice as high.
“Which will come in handy when I have to jump the lava river across half-forward.”
Sydney play Collingwood at the SCG on Saturday at 7.25pm local time.
Western Bulldogs coach Luke Beveridge has attacked AFL journalist Damian Barrett over his inability to consistently adhere to the concept of the ‘Sliding Doors’ format during a press-conference on Tuesday afternoon, calling the column “disgraceful”.
Barrett wrote, about the Bulldogs, in his weekly AFL.com.au column on the 13th of July: “IF back soreness is the real reason Boyd is not playing this weekend … THEN that's a shame. Would've liked to have seen him up against Gawn. Instead, (Jordan) Roughead, who Bevo has developed a set against, will go up against a guy who may be the best ruckman in the game.”
Beveridge was asked about his reaction to Barrett’s column after training on Tuesday, and took the opportunity to voice his disapproval.
“The concept of the film Sliding Doors, on which Damo’s column is based, is that if any one event were to happen differently it could greatly affect the outcome of future events,” Beveridge explained.
“So, in this instance he may have said IF Boyd’s back soreness keeps him out this week, THEN the Bulldogs won’t beat Max Gawn’s Melbourne. It suggests that if Boyd weren’t injured then Melbourne wouldn’t have been certainties to beat us. This highlights the importance of Boyd’s injury as being a pivotal turning point in our fortunes for that week.
“What Damo’s done is said IF something bad has happened, which it has, THEN that bad thing is a bad thing. He makes no claims as to what the ultimate consequences will be. It’s the difference between saying IF Gwyneth Paltrow misses the train THEN she won’t get home earlier and catch her boyfriend cheating on her and won’t fall in love with John Hannah, and saying IF Gwyneth Paltrow misses the train THEN she’ll have to catch the next train.”
When asked about his response to Beveridge's criticism, Barrett sensationally revealed that he's never actually seen the film Sliding Doors.
"I stopped watching after she missed the train. I always thought it was a film about the importance of memorising public transportation timetables, which I've always done," said Barrett while sipping a cup-o-noodle soup from an NCIS mug.
"I prefer Shallow Hal anyway."
The 'Sliding Doors' column appears each Friday on AFL.com.au.
Adelaide Football Club mascot and stalwart Claude Crow may be heading to Victoria from 2019 as he entertains talks with rival club Hawthorn according to The Age, Channel Seven and SEN football journalist Sam McClure.
Citing anonymous sources close to the humanoid avian, McClure has stated that Mr. Crow’s 28-year stint at the South Australian club may be coming to its end as Crow refuses to agree to terms with Adelaide, who first submitted an offer for the free agent mascot in May.
Speaking on Melbourne radio this evening, McClure says that according to his sources, Crow’s move is a “sure thing” and that he’s expected to be part of “a package deal with (Rory) Sloane”. When told that Sloane had signed a five-year contract extension with the Adelaide Football Club this morning, McClure laughed for a bit and then started chewing on his own sleeve.
“Just because Rory’s signed doesn’t mean Claude will,” said McClure, furiously thumbing the screen of his smartphone.
“I mean, the culture, Tex, Collective Minds…that’s why Tom Lynch said he’s leaving!
“Wait, Lynch is staying as well? Well Jeremy McGovern’s definitely going. He’s the one at the Crows, right?”
Australian Sports Weakly attempted to contact Claude Crow for comment but he declined due to being mute and then did a burnout in a go-kart.
ALASTAIR CLARKSON TO FACE TRIBUNAL AFTER MATCH REVIEW OFFICER CITES DANGEROUS CONDUCT ON JOHN LONGMIRE AT BIG FREEZE 4
AFL Match Review Officer Michael Christian has sent Hawthorn coach Alastair Clarkson to the tribunal where he may face a two game suspension for 'unduly rough conduct', 'unprovoked aggression with intent', and 'failing a duty of care to prevent submersion in perilous liquid' after the Big Freeze charity event at the MCG on Monday.
Clarkson will present his case to the AFL tribunal on Wednesday night after a routine video review of the day's action on Monday sparked Christian's interest. Christian said in his findings that Clarkson 'deliberately and aggressively propelled' Sydney coach John Longmire 'without displaying a duty of care to his wellbeing despite the consequences of his actions being foreseeable'.
Australian Sports Weakly, in our regular correspondence with the AFL and Christian, was able to ask for further clarification on what Clarkson, who has had off-field incidents of aggression in the past, must answer to.
"John Longmire was seated at the top of an inclined plane, the bottom of which directly led into a large pool of iced liquid which was clearly visible from the top of the plane," said Christian.
"Clarkson, without consideration for the safety and wellbeing of Longmire, deliberately propelled Longmire with open palms down the inclined plane. The combined forces of Clarkson and gravity were then insurmountable and Longmire was unable to prevent his complete submersion in the watery fluid.
"While there are very few precedents for an incident like this the rules are very clear that a mandatory two week suspension is suitable if found guilty, and so I have had to refer it to the tribunal."
When asked if the fact that John Longmire was dressed as a jockey riding a horse would have contributed to his endangerment, Christian said "he hadn't noticed".
Australian Sports Weakly reached out to Longmire to ask if he felt that Clarkson's trip to the tribunal was justified.
"He's having coffee with Gil tomorrow morning so he may not even get there," said Longmire.
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